Just about everyone has experienced rejection. They say it is our biggest fear. I suppose much of that comes from our instincts in childhood since a child experiences rejection as life threatening. Nature programs us to avoid rejection, so that as kids we don’t die of starvation!
However, we may tend to carry this instinct (avoid rejection at all costs) over into our adult life in a way that does not help us create healthy relationships.
Lets have a looks at what ‘rejection’ means to an adult. Imagine I have tried to contact someone who did not respond in the way I hoped - or, who did not respond at all. When that happens I may feel ‘rejected’. But, what is that all about?
After all I don’t know what is going on with the other person. How they are behaving may have nothing it all to do with me. (It might, but I’ll come back to that later - see What if it is My Fault?).
I could tell myself various things about this ‘rejection’ depending on how I feel at that particular moment - especially if it is the third time it has happened this week. I might start to feel really bad about myself. However, there is another way I can handle it. There is a way in which even an apparent rejection can help build my self-esteem rather than damage it. It is all down to what I tell myself about the event.
The part in quotes is my initial response and the part that follows is how I explain it to myself.
‘They don’t like me.’ - but they don’t even know me. Best just to move on.
‘They don’t like what I said/wrote/did.’ - fair enough. Not everyone is going to like my style. I will learn what I can, but I will also move on.
‘They have lost faith in relationships at that moment’ - maybe, if so not much I can do about that. Best just to move on.
‘They are too busy’ - not much I can do about that either. Best just to move on.
‘They are a stuck-up %^and!’ - but I don’t even know them. I don’t know what they might be going through. Best not to be down on them, just to move on.
‘I did not really like them anyway’ - maybe, maybe not. I don’t know them. Best just to move on.
‘I am a terrible person. Nobody like me’ - nah! Not everyone likes me, but some folks do. Best just to move on.
‘I don’t know’ - I don’t know what is going on with that person. I probably never will. Best just to move on.
‘Nothing’ - that’s right. It may have nothing at all to do with me. Best just to move on.
You’ll notice in the above there is a discussion going on. One part (in quotes) expresses my gut reaction; the other part interprets the event and helps bring it to some kind of resolution.
Seeming rejection from other people is really only a problem if I have rejected myself. If I feel pained by a situation it is best that I listen to the part of me that feels the hurt and hear what is has to say. I can then think about what happened and explain it to myself. If I reject the hurt, then I am really rejecting myself, and that causes a lot more pain than anything.
What hurts is not what other people say or do, but what we tell ourselves about it.
How Many of Me are there?
It may seem strange idea at first that one part of use needs to explain things to another part of us. Yet, it works. It works really powerfully too. Sometimes I need to do it a number of times, but often I find this approach of getting into a discussion with myself creates a shift in mood, or attitude, really fast.
It this still seems strange to you, consider the alternatives. I can ignore how I feel and pretend it didn’t happen. I can go into hiding till I feel ready to contact other people again. Those are not useful alternatives, are they?
Also, I can lie to myself and tell myself that I did not really want anything to do with that person anyway. I can medicate my feelings through; drugs, alcohol, watching TV, being busy, obsessive behavior, and so on. Of course, lots of people do that. But, it does not really work. We want to do what works. Don’t we?
If we don’t deal with an issue and handle the pain, like grown ups, we end up having to hide or run away. That just causes us a lot more pain in the long run.
Having a good internal conversation is far better, far healthier and a lot more fun, than the alternatives. There is nothing to be gained by repressing our feelings and moods, or by letting them spill out in harmful ways. It’s best just to have a ‘conversation’ with them.
I have had some hilarious (and very enlightening) conversations with myself while alone driving along in my car. I have found out things myself that I never even knew and in the process cleared up some long standing personal issues - and even some health problems!
In fact a good sign that you have got a handle on dialoging with yourself is when you find yourself being surprised by what comes up. There is a wonderful, beautiful authentic person in there. Why not get to know you? Not just the bit that society made, but the bit that God made. Most of us have only traveled a short way into tapping into our real potential.
What if it is My Fault?
The whole point of all this is: we can only have a healthy relationship with other people if we have a healthy relationship with ourselves. We can’t abandon ourselves and expect everyone else to welcome us.
If I have such a low opinion of myself that I don’t pay constructive and healthy attention to myself when I am hurt by something why should anyone else? If I don’t give serious attention to what I really enjoy in life, then who will?
If I keep looking to someone else to fill the gap (and only expect life to get better that way) then I have rejected and abandoned part of myself. If I abandoned part of myself then what I get is a gnawing feeling of abandonment and isolation.
There is a difference between feeling lonely and just being on my own. When I feel lonely it feels like nobody is there. When I am on my own (but not lonely) at least I am present - and paying positive attention.
How does it feel to have someone avoid you all the time? It feels horrible. And, that is how I feel when I avoid myself. That is how any person, who avoids themselves, ends up feeling. Self-avoidance is what causes much of the ’social medication’ we see around us (drugs, alcohol, obsessions, addictions, etc). If you want to get over an addiction try being genuinely kind to yourself for a while. Love is always the greatest healer.
The most attractive type of person is a person who has a life. Doing the things we love to do is part of what makes us interesting to others. It is also the best way to meet people.
There is no point postponing leading the most enjoyable life we can till the ‘right’ person comes along. When it gets down to it, we are the person who can do the most to make us happy. Besides, isn’t being on the road to happiness a good place to meet the right person?
Archive for August 3rd, 2008
No More Rejection
How To Talk To A Woman
Taking a girl out on a date already says a lot. But this whole business is not just about seducing someone. You must gain the confidence and trust of the person sitting at the other end of the table. More than that, you must make her feel good in your presence and even want more. How to do this? Simple! When you’re not flirting with her just let her take control for a while.
Always keep in mind that women’s favorite subject is themselves. This little “bug” in their software gives men a big advantage in a conversation and that is curiosity. Yet, only few use it because of the misconceptions surrounding curiosity in general. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but when a conversation between a man and a woman is concerned, I don’t think it ever hurt anyone. What I’m trying to say is that if she says something that makes you curious… just ask her! This will tell her that you are interested in her person. Nevertheless, watch out for those not so discreet questions that could turn you into a cat and get you killed.
Another thing most men forget is that women, even the prettiest, disregard themselves. If you discovered something about her that you really like make sure she can feel your admiration. This rule applies to anything from the color of her eyes to the way she back-parked her car for example. Still, try to use original ways to make compliments and remember that you’ll receive the most “points” for cherishing her intelligence.
Always listen to her when she talks! Sounds too obvious? Maybe, but the key thing is that it counts less if you’ve been really listening to her as long as she thinks you weren’t. Therefore you can use several tricks like saying confirmation phrases (”I see”, “yes” etc.) showing that you’re following her. Just don’t do it so much that she mistakes you for her shrink. Re-telling what she just said is another useful skill as long as you don’t abuse it. You simply rephrase what she said and she’ll know you got the point. Nevertheless it can be very annoying if you overuse it.
And, as I mentioned earlier, when she makes you curious about something just ask her! This proves you were listening in the first place. The same happens when you make a compliment based on something she just said.
But curiosity can also be used whenever you run out of topics in a conversation. Every woman is curious by nature so all you have to do is to stir her curiosity and forget all about you running out of interesting subjects or her getting bored.